Last night I was deepening with the violet flame and Quan Yin asking for all judgement about myself to become visible. I was asking to be shown how to love and not to judge, to be shown non-judgment. I was going through layers and layers of judgment about myself, peeling them away, moving through them gracefully with the violet flame when I hit a place of contraction that is very well known to me. When I looked at it, it exposed itself as a deep pain about something terrible I had done, that is utterly unforgivable. Being with all the emotion, pain, despair I questioned further what I had done, what was so terrible about me that was feeling so real, solid, so immutable. What terrible truth have I been hiding from others and from myself? All the mind could come up with was "I did something cosmically, cosmically wrong". If I am going to believe something huge like this, I want to know why, I want to have a proof that it is so, so I won't take it for face value and question it further...So I stayed with it all and questioned even further. There was no response, nothing I could be given as a fact that I had done something or what I had done. I became aware of a deeply rooted belief that was handed over to me as well as something that a self, a false self concluded about oneself, judging itself based on its perception! It is like an urban myth everybody believes unconditionally and nobody knows why or where it came from or if it is true at all. The belief was deeply rooted and although it looked, tasted, smelled so real there was no evidence, nothing that supported that "terrible truth" about me. So I stayed with it and let the violet fire burn the cause, the core, the record and the memory of it until Truth takes root in me, in my psyche. With that I fell asleep...
Early morning I woke up with realizations after realizations flooding my consciousness. I realized that with my new blog "13 Moon Alchemy" I have been collecting little drops, droplets of the Infinite Ocean of the Goddess, each post being a droplet. I realized I have been judging myself for so long for not being able to express, to be, to give the WHOLE OCEAN to the world and I was judging the droplets I could gather and be and express as too insignificant, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, completely giving up creative expression! If I cannot express ALL of it, BE all of it, what's the use to be a tiny facet of it, I rather be nothing, do nothing! Wow, that is such a deep wounding and such a BIG lie as well! I was judging and blaming the drop of the ocean for not being the whole ocean, I was judging myself for not being the INFINITE DIVINE expressing itself as such! But I was! I always have been, I AM and will always be the whole ocean expressing itself in a single droplet...ever changing...ever growing... How silly I was and how blind! So much suffering based on a perceptional judgment, also called emotion! Oh Goddess! All the unquestioned little "truths" in our beings we hold on to so religiously! How much we suffer from our own judgments based on our perception or rather misperception or from other people's judgments of us they made based on their misperceptions that we take in and embody!
Now I don't judge the droplet that I AM. I delight in being a droplet and expressing as droplet of the Infinite Ocean of the Divine! I know that in each droplet the Whole Infinite, ever growing Ocean is contained. I don't long for the whole ocean and don't have the eyes to see the droplet like I used to. A droplet is the whole Ocean to me expressing itself in a single point, just like me! I have been judging myself as not being good enough, as too small and insignificant when I looked at Divinity and saw all the Beauty of the Divine! Being a tiny facet of it was never enough, I wanted it ALL! Just like a liver cells looks at the whole body and judges itself for being a liver cell and not the whole body. The Divinity, the Creation is SO infinitely Beautiful, beyond Beautiful! I was looking at me, a tiny facet of it, understanding, seeing itself separate from it, comparing itself to the Whole and I was feeling so insignificant, so unworthy, so like nothing! I didn't know that I AM IT, I AM IT ALL! A tiny facet of the Whole was never enough for me, I always, always wanted the Whole otherwise what was the point! I didn't know that a tiny facet was the Whole expressing itself through what I call "me". Is there ever a me?
My prayer is that the posts of my new blog are like those little drops of the Infinite Ocean for the people who read them and engage with them...that each drop opens them to the Infinite Ocean of Divinity within them, the Infinite Divine Feminine they truly BE!
So be it!
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