The Small "i"

The Small "i"

All problems, confusions, conflicts, battles, cyclical cycles start with the creation of an "i", an identification...i am this, i am that, i am...once created it becomes a deity that has its own life outside of I...All the conflicting "i"s that battle with each other, with other "i" of other beings...false selves that are only a shadow, a distortion, a thought, a belief...a dillusion....of a false self given life by a distortion....

i am XYZ....the start of a whole reality of distortions, falsities, that has no substance....shadows interacting with shadows....where have I gone? 

Called to Truth

I am being called to Truth, to be Real and True with myself and with the Universe! No more distortions!

My dislike of humanity came up, my judgments, my resentment...my pushing away and withdrawing from humanity...in dislike of their egos....in fear....

I faced judgment, misunderstanding, disconnection, projection and ego games yesterday at a brunch with people I had joyfully summoned up. I faced a lot of fixed beliefs and judgments, pov's that made me contract, withdraw, start to judge them, feeling superior...I realized a hidden part of me doesn't like humans at all! That part sees humans as backwards, ego-driven, stupid, mean creatures that will attack you and misunderstand you at will. I felt deep sadness, disconnection from, grief from the species I partly belong.

Why do I make their judgmental behavior, their misunderstanding or not being able to understand a source of power that makes me withdraw and go into judgment as well? Why can't I BE WHO I AM regardless they choose to appear in my reality, on my screen of life? Why do I give them so much power to control me, my Being, my radiance and vibrancy? Why can't I shine like the Sun regardless who stands in front of me? They can go away and be in shadow or put a sun hat on if they don't like the Sun now, can't they?

I have a strong dislike of ego-driven conversations, arguing on a ego/mental level, people forcing their dominant opinions on me or disrespecting my sharing of my pov's or perceptions, or my Heart! Why go there and share things with people who don't understand even what I am talking about?

The Universe, my Spirit is telling me....the Divine Intelligence is telling me...that I haven't come here to be loved, accepted or understood! I haven't come here to belong...I have come here to BE WHO I AM regardless what others do...and let them be what they choose to be...what they can be...while they are doing their utmost to awaken...The Divine Intelligence is telling me that I don't need to change who I am in front of egos and judgmental, adverse behaviorism of other people, or do so much credit to those. My Divine Intelligence is telling me that I came here to light up the world for those who would listen/see. I haven't come here to be understood, accepted, loved....My Divine Intelligence is telling me...The whole Universe is honoring me, Loving me deeply, gifting me infinitely....that the ego behaviorism of humanity doesn't matter at all! That I can BE WHO I AM and at home in this reality, on this planet, in a body....and sing and dance through it all...That I can drop the need to be received....when the whole Universe is receiving me!

So, show me, Divine Intelligence, show me that you receive me! Show me that I CAN BE WHO I AM REGARDLESS how or who others are in my presence without any resistance, with total Ease and Grace...with Simplicity...That nothing and nobody has the power to change or affect that....That if I don't judge people and don't withdraw, if I let them be who they want to be I AM FREE TO BE WHO I AM!

Divine Intelligence, do I have then to go and be with them?
I can be with anybody...at any time....Let the Universe show....bring it to you...

Father, Mother God, Divine Intelligence, my Higher Levels, Creator Levels, show me! Show me how I can be without judgment towards humans? How I can BE WHO I AM constantly without changing it facing other people's behaviorism? HOW CAN I BE MYSELF AT ALL TIME with EASE, SIMPLICITY AND JOY???? SHOW ME! SHOW ME! LET ME EXPERIENCE IT! SHOW ME! Shift my positioning towards humans, this hiding, this withdrawing because of the behaviorism of people? Show me that I CAN BE WHO I AM REGARDLESS! SHOW ME!

Bring it on!

So they judge me! So they attack me! So they are jealous of me! So they envy me! So they misunderstand me! So what?! Will I give that so much power of me that I quit BEING ME? That I stop being me? THAT I LEAVE my SELF and become LIKE THEM? NO! I WILL NOT! I WILL NOT LEAVE MYSELF! My Self is where there is no judgment, no withdrawal, but a constant stream of Being, Receiving, making Love to the Whole Universe! What do people's egos, behaviors matter? I don't need to internalize, take in their conflicts and embody them! I don't have to embody other people! They, their behaviorism are truly outside of me...

I AM READY! I AM HERE! SHIFT ME! SHIFT MY POSITIONING!

Show me that their judgments, their behaviorism don't matter and has NO THING to do with me...EVER! 

On the Edge of the NEW

I am feeling like I have come to the edge of the world that was familiar in some ways...and like I am standing at the edge of a very expansive, expanded Unknown...I cannot see what is ahead...all I know is I am moving rapidly right into it! I feel like I am coming apart at seams...I feel like my being is dissolving and it will reassemble some place else, like I am being beamed or so I imagine how being beamed would feel like. Nothing is ever the same... It feels like I am dying. At times it feels like my body cannot this metamorphosis, it is way too much than this vehicle can take...then I realize it is my mind who is having hard time to accommodate the possibility of dying and being reborn at the same time while staying in the body. 

There is a miracle going on in us, through us...in the very moment.....it is deep and intense...sweet and bitter at the same time....Something is beckoning, I cannot say no...It is almost like a vacuum cleaner that is pulling me into it...the more the resistance the more the struggle, the more difficult it is...yet the mind things it is its death....and maybe it is dying...

I have been writing and writing lately....A LOT! And enjoying it A LOT TOO! It seems I jumped over the un-creativity block on my way and also, let go a lot of the resistance to being known, being shown with all that I AM! I am not afraid anymore! I don't want anybody to love what I write....I don't want anybody to not love what I write...I just write...That is my part to do...It is not my job to know why...As long as the juices flow, as long there is flow in that I will keep writing. It seems like it is a beginning of me stepping into my role as a facilitator and as a guide! 

Being creative feels EXTREMELY GOOD! I cannot remember having felt so much fluidity, also "clean pipes" feeling...When I write or do something creative it feels like my pipes are clean, I am flowing and moving...There is no stuckness or rigidity, there is movement, there is flexibility, there is activity..There is LIFE! I LOVE THAT! I am so grateful I found some things to write, some creative outlets for now...and I AM in and ready for more! What else can I do? I feel like an unstoppable electron that goes in all directions, moving at light speed, infinite energy which I assume is the creative force flowing through me! 

Life is good so far! 
I am calling in NEW people into my life!

I am also calling in wisdom and the inner Knowing about the Canada thing! I really want to go some place, at a mental/emotional level, of course, yet I need to Know what Spirit wants me to do....where the Mother wants me to be next. I am asking for that to reveal itself!

I also wish to look at why I am having difficulty with communicating with my body when it comes to "aches and pains"...Why I lose my clarity then and get contracted and feel unease in the solar plexus, fear, really. Why is this happening?

All in all, it seems the energies in April are really moving us along. 

Being an incarnated angel is becoming more and more graceful as life, the Universe seems to meet me at half way somehow! It feels like some things are moving! And life is such a short dream! I AM LOVING IT!

I AM a Universe Expressing Itself in One Single Point

Last night I was deepening with the violet flame and Quan Yin asking for all judgement about myself to become visible. I was asking to be shown how to love and not to judge, to be shown non-judgment. I was going through layers and layers of judgment about myself, peeling them away, moving through them gracefully with the violet flame when I hit a place of contraction that is very well known to me. When I looked at it, it exposed itself as a deep pain about something terrible I had done, that is utterly unforgivable. Being with all the emotion, pain, despair I questioned further what I had done, what was so terrible about me that was feeling so real, solid, so immutable. What terrible truth have I been hiding from others and from myself? All the mind could come up with was "I did something cosmically, cosmically wrong". If I am going to believe something huge like this, I want to know why,  I want to have a proof that it is so, so I won't take it for face value and question it further...So I stayed with it all and questioned even further. There was no response, nothing I could be given as a fact that I had done something or what I had done. I became aware of a deeply rooted belief that was handed over to me as well as something that a self, a false self concluded about oneself, judging itself based on its perception! It is like an urban myth everybody believes unconditionally and nobody knows why or where it came from or if it is true at all. The belief was deeply rooted and although it looked, tasted, smelled so real there was no evidence, nothing that supported that "terrible truth" about me. So I stayed with it and let the violet fire burn the cause, the core, the record and the memory of it until Truth takes root in me, in my psyche. With that I fell asleep...

Early morning I woke up with realizations after realizations flooding my consciousness. I realized that with my new blog "13 Moon Alchemy" I have been collecting little drops, droplets of the Infinite Ocean of the Goddess, each post being a droplet. I realized I have been judging myself for so long for not being able to express, to be, to give the WHOLE OCEAN to the world and I was judging the droplets I could gather and be and express as too insignificant, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, completely giving up creative expression! If I cannot express ALL of it, BE all of it, what's the use to be a tiny facet of it, I rather be nothing, do nothing! Wow, that is such a deep wounding and such a BIG lie as well! I was judging and blaming the drop of the ocean for not being the whole ocean, I was judging myself for not being the INFINITE DIVINE expressing itself as such! But I was! I always have been, I AM and will always be the whole ocean expressing itself in a single droplet...ever changing...ever growing... How silly I was and how blind! So much suffering based on a perceptional judgment, also called emotion! Oh Goddess! All the unquestioned little "truths" in our beings we hold on to so religiously! How much we suffer from our own judgments based on our perception or rather misperception or from other people's judgments of us they made based on their misperceptions that we take in and embody!

Now I don't judge the droplet that I AM. I delight in being a droplet and expressing as droplet of the Infinite Ocean of the Divine! I know that in each droplet the Whole Infinite, ever growing Ocean is contained. I don't long for the whole ocean and don't have the eyes to see the droplet like I used to. A droplet is the whole Ocean to me expressing itself in a single point, just like me! I have been judging myself as not being good enough, as too small and insignificant when I looked at Divinity and saw all the Beauty of the Divine! Being a tiny facet of it was never enough, I wanted it ALL! Just like a liver cells looks at the whole body and judges itself for being a liver cell and not the whole body. The Divinity, the Creation is SO infinitely Beautiful, beyond Beautiful! I was looking at me, a tiny facet of it, understanding, seeing itself separate from it, comparing itself to the Whole and I was feeling so insignificant, so unworthy, so like nothing! I didn't know that I AM IT, I AM IT ALL! A tiny facet of the Whole was never enough for me, I always, always wanted the Whole otherwise what was the point! I didn't know that a tiny facet was the Whole expressing itself through what I call "me". Is there ever a me? 

My prayer is that the posts of my new blog are like those little drops of the Infinite Ocean for the people who read them and engage with them...that each drop opens them to the Infinite Ocean of Divinity within them, the Infinite Divine Feminine they truly BE! 

So be it!